Last Easter, the land was invaded by an evil old woman known as Talpa the Terrible. The product of a twisted union between a slutty Decepticon and Darth Sasquatch, she wore a solid adamantium armor and was therefore indestructible. Anyone who tried to fight her was killed and made into people pot pie for Sunday dinner. (Talpa knew all that granny-jutsu, like knitting nooses and cooking really awesome casseroles.) One man alone had the balls to stand up to her: THE ANCIENT ONE, and he single-handedly defeated Talpa with a magic stick. With Talpa KO’d, THE ANCIENT ONE knew that the armor had to be split apart to keep this evil granny from attacking the earth again. So, using his magical mystical monk powers, THE ANCIENT ONE divided the armor into nine parts, a nice odd number because the dude couldn’t count, and somehow turned them into full suits of armor using only the scraps. He did a good job on the first five but he got tired and lazy on the last four, so they ended up really ugly and mean looking. The pretty ones were filled with goodness and eventually became the Ronin armors, whereas the ugly ones went the way of evil and were later worn by the Dark Warlords of the Dark Dynasty for their Dark Purposes.
One hundred years later, Talpa the Terrible was partially resurrected as a translucent floating head, thanks to four ugly Trekkies getting a hold of the ugly armors and starting an ugly armor club. The club, which had nothing to do with world domination (it was actually a D&D society), was quickly taken over by Talpa, who used her restored old-lady powers to take over the Trekkies’ minds and turn them into her personal slaves and Warlords. She started looking for the other five armors, but THE ANCIENT ONE, who had managed to survive all this time (magical mystical monk magic) had already given the armors away to five hot young pieces of jailbait who had vowed to protect the world from evil old ladies. They became the Ronin Warriors, and they had no idea WTF they were up against.
Helping these misguided young men is Mia Kojinski, who teaches mythology and other useless crap at a community college and just happens to know more about the armors than THE ANCIENT ONE, her regents professor grandfather, and the Ronins put together. Upon hearing that Talpa was back, she knew those poor ignorant twinks wouldn’t last an hour without her knowledge and raced off like Lance Armstrong to help them. In the process she became the unwilling foster mother of a young kid named Ulysses (Yuli for short) and a prime target for the Dynasty’s depravity. Luckily, between her extensive information and THE ANCIENT ONE’s magic stick, the Ronins were able to keep her and Yuli alive for the duration of the show. The rest of the story pretty much goes like this:
-fight bad guys
-cry and scream a lot
Ronin Warriors was the result of a great Canadian think tank operation in the late 1980s, and eventually ended up an animation instead of a Broadway production, as it was originally intended. The Japanese claim they created it, but this is a lie. The show was first recorded in English and then the Japanese dubbed their own version of it later on. They even went so far as to break into the Canadian studio and destroy all the English versions of the songs and voiceovers, and hijack certain animation sequences. (The so-called “forehead kanji” were actually color-coordinated maple leaves. Or ’leafs’, if you like hockey.) It took the studio seven whole years to re-record all the voice tracks and sound effects. The songs were unfortunately lost forever so they had to use the Japanese soundtrack and throw in a short English opening theme since the budget ran out. This is a huge shame because the original series featured an entire never-before-heard soundtrack written by Van Halen. This act of gut-wrenching violence remains the greatest travesty committed by Japan since Pearl Harbor. The UN was forced to suppress all media reports of the matter, fearing that the Canadian government would drown Japan in maple syrup if word got out. The Canadians and Japanese have since settled their differences, but the tension still remains.
Naturally, everything in the Japanese version is made up and only the Canadian version contains the real facts, like Cye being a limey Brit and Ryo’s name being pronounced RYE-oh. All of the sequels were created by the Japanese, which explains why they sucked so bad, Message being the worst of all. (Kind of like when fans spoil a good show by writing godawful fanfiction.) Canada finally asked Japan to cut that shit out before they destroyed the show’s image forever, so they did. Now everybody is unhappy, especially the poor Canadians who never got the credit they deserved.
Name: Ryo (RYE-oh) Sanada
Age: 17 (series); 18 (Sage’s NY Vacation) 19 (How I Got African Sleeping Sickness and Message: Impossible)
Weight: 156 lbs
Birthdate: August 15 19♪♪
Favorite Sport: nude paintball
Hobbies: collecting Beanie Babies, Civil War reenactments, abusing prescription drugs
Dislikes: thinking, square dancing, French people
Favorite Food: mayonnaise sandwiches
Basic Info: Ryo is the queen of the Ronin Warriors, the bearer of Tirefire, and the orphan offspring of a paranoid schizophrenic and a bipolar sociopath. Ryo enjoys karaoke, furpiles, and cutting himself to Evanescence songs.
More Info: His mother committed suicide on an electric fence before he was born and Ryo spent the last four months of gestation sharing a womb with Seann William Scott. When he was born, his father, who believed himself to be King Leonidas the 45th of Sparta, abandoned Ryo in the Japanese mountains in the belief that a true Spartan baby would be able to take care of itself. (Leo, aka Frank Sanada, is now serving two life sentences in the state pen.) Child Services never located Ryo, but the infant was taken in and raised until age 5 by a family of panda bears, which explains his low SAT scores. He was later found by THE ANCIENT ONE, aka Gunnar Nelson, and given an informal education, as well as the armor of Tirefire.
Too Much Info: Ryo comes from a wealthy (but inbred) Latino family, his ancestor Hernando Sanada being one of the first sixteenth-century Spaniards to embrace pirating in the Caribbean as a career. The family grew rich off the spoils, making Ryo the unknowing heir to an obscene fortune, but Ryo’s mother Lupe and her uncle Frank ran away to Japan to live as yak farmers. They built a cabin in the mountains, and this was where Ryo lived after THE ANCIENT ONE rescued him from his panda bear family. He attended a rural public school ten miles away, which also explains his low SAT scores. THE ANCIENT ONE was worried about Ryo living alone, so he sent his faithful tiger White Blaze to keep Ryo company, and again Ryo’s closest family member was a furry black and white mammal.
Since he grew up fundamentally ignorant, socially inept and economically deprived, Ryo has no fashion sense or taste for finery. (Meaning that he’s a Nascar fan.) Keeping his skinny emo jeans and xxs My Chemical Romance t-shirts on the inside, he manages to look like a thrift store scarecrow on the outside. He’s uncomfortable in crowds and social situations, but with enough vicodin in his system he’s everybody’s friend. Despite being incredibly fucking stupid, he has a heart of gold and the body of a Greek god. (Nobody’s allowed to have it all, apparently.) He’s sunny and cheerful and loves his friends, all three of them, very dearly.
Attack Cry: THIS! IS! SPARTAAAA!/RAGE OF INFERNAL! (Ryo never was good at remembering words)
Weapons: two long steak knives
Color: whore red
“The Pretty One”
Name: Sage Datier (SAH-gay DAH-tee-yay)
Age: 16 (series); 17 (Fear & Loathing in New York) 18 (How I Got Malaria and Message in an Asshole)
Weight: 155 lbs
Birthdate: June 9 19♪♪
Favorite Sport: nude yoga
Favorite Food: soap
Basic Info: Sage spent the first twelve years of his life thinking he was a girl, and understandably has severe emotional trauma and sexual identity issues because of it. Hormone therapy has helped restore some of his lost masculinity, but he still menstruates every month.
More Info: The French descendent of infamous sexual psychopath Marquis de Sade (mother’s side) and famous samurai general Tom Cruise (father’s side), Sage inherited a penchant for sadism, the Scientology gene, and a very pretty face. He could still easily be mistaken for a female given the correct application of makeup. Upon the discovery that he was in fact a penis-bearing homosapien, Sage spent a year throwing out his high heels and mini skirts and restocking his wardrobe with clothes from Hollister, which made him look like even more of a fag than when he was wearing dresses. After spending so much time as a girl, Sage discovered that dating females was just not gonna happen, but he was too proud to admit that he was as gay as a handbag full of rainbows. He eventually became asexual, a major disappointment to the other Ronins who were hoping to hook up with the team’s unofficial Hot Chick.
Too Much Info: Sage’s family ties go all the way back to ancient Rome and the notorious emperor Caligula, a bloodthirsty sexual deviant who loved his sisters a little too much. Sage’s immediate family consists of Chester Datier, who works as a police officer by day and is a crime-fighting superhero known as Pedobear by night; his mother Colette Datier, a bisexual dominatrix who likes to beat her husband regularly; his older sister Yvonne, a registered sex offender; his younger sister Cherice, the victim of all the sexually-based crimes in the household; and Grandfather Datier, a cocaine-dealing pimp and master swordsman. Grandfather Datier took most of the responsibility for raising Sage, and regularly beat the boy with his pimp cane and forced him to dress provocatively to entertain clients. He also trained Sage in yoga, meditation, sword fighting, and dildo-jutsu. Upon coming of age, Sage was finally released from his family’s in-house prison and allowed to train alongside his Grandfather. It was during this time that he discovered the armor of Lightbulb in his basement, right next to Hannibal Lecter’s cell. It was Lecter who instructed Sage on how to use the armor, and after inadvertently setting the cannibalistic madman free, Sage became a Ronin Warrior.
Because of spending so much of his life being beaten and abused, sexually or otherwise, Sage is extremely polite and courteous to all he meets, but is prone to insane rages and blinding violence if pushed to the extreme. Physically Sage is in perfect shape, but he has a lazy right eye that tends to freak people out, so he keeps it covered with his hair.
Family: perverts and sadists
Attack Cry: THUNDERBOLT, HO!
Weapons: one really big letter opener
Color: swamp green
“The Cute One”
Name: Cyanide “Cye” Maury
Age: 26 (series); 27 (Gangs of New York) 28 (How I Punched the Shit Out of Rowen and Please Leave a Message)
Weight: 161 lbs
Birthdate: March 14 19♪♪
Favorite Sport: nude diving
Hobbies: building bombs, international terrorism, cooking
Favorite Food: dirt
Basic Info: Born in an eco-terrorist lesbian commune in Manchester, England, Cye grew up a radical animal rights activist, a flaming homosexual, and a gourmet chef. When he’s not crashing speed boats into Japanese whalers or blowing up animal testing laboratories, he enjoys watching Dr Who and having sex with dolphins. Cye is rated a 22, the highest possible number, on Michael Stone’s scale of Most Evil.
More Info: Cye’s father was a bleeding heart who died helping Greenpeace protest the slaughtering of Great White sharks. (He fell overboard and was naturally torn to pieces.) Cye was raised by his mum and her bulldyke lover after his father’s death, and was brought up on a diet of soy and bean curd. His older sister Delphine Hathor Moontide Maury is a convicted felon wanted for the attempted genocide of the Eskimo race. She is still at large and rumored to be living in an igloo somewhere in the Arctic Circle.
As a child Cye was picked on by other little boys for being girly and loving the cute furry things that they all liked to kill for fun. The taunting continued for years until one day on the playground Cye hit critical mass and broke a bottle of Guiness (he’d packed it with his lunch: a yam sandwich and tofu chips with a pack of Lucky Strikes) over the lead bully’s head, and nobody ever fucked with him again. Cye attended school in Manchester until age 15, when he was expelled after blowing up the biology lab in retaliation for frog dissections. Cye finished his education back home at the commune and later earned a bachelor’s degree in Human Population Control Sciences.
Cye discovered the Waterfall armor at the bottom of the Thames while on a scuba diving espionage mission. Cye, thinking that armor was Earth’s Revenge Against Mankind, adopted it as his own and heeded the call that led him to the other Ronin Warriors. He was rather disappointed that it wasn’t a splinter group of Earth First; however, he made an immediate connection with Ryo, who was also an animal lover and even topped Cye by having relatives that were animals. The two became BFF right away, and another type of BFF later.
Too Much Info: Cye’s life is pretty boring and typical when he’s not acting as Mother Nature’s murderous mercenary, so he tends to focus what little humanity he has left on cultivating his friendship with the other Ronins, Ryo in particular. The two are completely compatible with one another: Ryo has no taste for finery (or anything else, for that matter) so he eats all of the vegan shit that Cye cooks, and Cye has finally fulfilled all requirements for being a flag-burning left-wing extremist. His mothers are very proud of him. Cye and Ryo are currently in a civil union and considering adopting a baby seal.
Family: hippies and terrorists
Attack Cry: SUPAH GAY SMASHAAHH!
Weapons: plastic explosives, pipe bombs, anthrax, King Neptune’s trident
Color: baby blue
“The Smart One”
Name: Rowen Hawking-Morissette Hashiba
Age: 16 (series); 17 (CSI: NY) immortal (I Wore a Sweater in Africa and Message Parlor II: The Rubbing)
Weight: 168 lbs
Birthdate: October 10 19♪♪
Favorite Sport: nude Twister
Hobbies: sleeping, eating, beating his meat to sci-fi
Dislikes: Ryo, having diabeetus, health food
Favorite Food: moonpie-Slim Jim casserole with Mountain Dew gravy
Basic Info: Rowen is a super genius with an IQ of holyshit, but his diabeetus interferes with his ability to think sometimes, so on the outside he doesn’t seem much smarter than the average jackoff. Years of smoking medical marijuana to combat his disease has also dulled his brilliance. His passion is archery, or anything requiring planting something long and hard into the center of a red ring.
More Info: The bastard son of Stephen Hawking and infamous Canadian singer Alanis Morisette, Rowen (aka Test Subject #7075) was grown in a lab from one of over 9,000 frozen embryos. As a prototype for a secret military weapon, he inherited his father’s incredible IQ and his mother’s ability to liquefy human brains with his deadly nasal singing. Once the government discovered how lethal he was, they closed the lab, terminated the project, and threw Rowen out with the rest of the medical waste. He was rescued by a mad scientist/pedophile who was part of the original research team, and raised as a normal kid. Luckily his foster father liked lolis, so Rowen always had girls his age to play with. (This didn’t stop him from going homo, though.)
A child prodigy, Rowen learned everything there was to know by age 6 and then left home to go live in the Bronx with his Aunt Shanika, where his accent became all kinds of fucked up. He left the Bronx six years later and moved back to Canada, where he held lectures on astrophysics between Sublime and 311 concerts before becoming a Ronin Warrior. (He built the armor of Supernova out of a broken air conditioner.)
Rowen is a firm believer in UFOs, Area 51, and government conspiracy. He is known to masturbate to The X-Files and has convinced himself that he is a multiple abductee by a race of assraping green alien tadpoles from Planet Morg. Nobody believes him except Ryo, because Ryo is about as dumb as a stump and believes anything. As a result, Rowen has made it his mission in life to travel to Planet Morg and destroy the entire tadpole-rapist species. His armor was originally intended to do that, but he had to postpone his dream in order to fight Talpa. By the time the battle was over, he had smoked too much pot to remember why he had built his armor in the first place.
Too Much Info: Rowen gets along great with Sage since their fathers are both professional kiddie fiddlers and they’re both victims of sexual abuse. In fact, they relate so well that many speculate that the two are “involved”. This might be true if Sage weren’t such a frigid ice queen – Rowen has been asking to tap that since they first introduced themselves on a street corner in downtown Shinjuku.
Family: geniuses and pedophiles
Attack Cry: NO MEANS NO!
Weapons: an oscillating, antifreeze-powered bow (with arrows)
Color: outer space blue
The Fat One: coming soon